Vladimir Putin bans the sale of Edenderry white jersey in Russia

Post date: Apr 20, 2018 1:5:41 PM

By Niveked..............

Russian President Vladimir Putin has sensationally banned the sale of the new white Edenderry GAA jersey in Russia according to sources in the Kremlin.

Putin, who is a world renowned Edenderry supporter, is said to be livid that his beloved Reds have chosen to adopt a white coloured jersey as their second kit. A sources from within the halls of the Kremlin who spoke to the 'Edenderry GAA' website under the promise of anonymity has said that Putin spoke at length in Parliament on Thursday afternoon at his disgust of the use of a white jersey.

"Vladimir was at the Cappincur game on Wednesday night in Clonbullogue and he was talking to the club President Eddie Kenny and former club captain Finbarr Cullen. He couldn't believe his ears when they told him about the new kit" our source claims.

"Everyone knows Vlad loves the red jersey as it reminds him of the red army and the good old days of the Soviet Union. He sees a white jersey as a sign of weakness and of course white is a sign of surrender" he added.

Our source, who got a D in the Leaving Cert Pass paper in Russian Languages, translated Putin's address to the Kremlin upon his return to Moscow from Clonbullogue.

"It is with great sadness today for both myself and the people of the USSR, I mean Russia, that I bring you news of my favourite GAA club which has resorted to the use of a white jersey. I can't for one minute grasp why they would choose a jersey of such weakness. Can you honestly imagine guys like Paddy Pender, Shane Connell, Greg Blong or Brendan Fayne showing weakness? They'd take your sacred life. The nerve of some agents trying to flog white jersey's to any GAA team is infuriating and the USSR, I mean Russia, will not stand for such insubordination" Putin is reported to have said.

"For the past forty years we have supplied Edenderry GAA with free oil from the USSR, I mean Russian, oil fields for the dressing rooms and the pavilion but I must now put in place an embargo to end such an agreement until the traditional navy away jersey is restored" he continued.

President Putin is said to harbour ill feelings towards white jersey's ever since 1961 when Offaly played Down in the All-Ireland football final.

"When Vladimir was a young boy he and his family briefly moved to Edenderry as his father Vladimir Senior was stationed at the German bog footing & heaping turf. They quickly fell in love with the GAA and as a nine year old boy Vladimir boarded the train from Sean Norman's and headed for Croke Park. He was so excited to be going to the game but as the train past every station in Kildare they were greeted by the red and black flags of Down. He never forgave the lilywhites for that" our source states. "Of course the 'White Army' were the anti communist forces during the Russian civil war which doesn't help matters either" he added.

Mr Putin finished by telling the elected members of parliament that once he was finished dealing with the Syrian issue he would be tackling the white jersey issue. It is believed he made the comments as he was suffering with a severe hangover having assassinated pints of Vodka in Richie's straight after the game.

Having attended the 1985 senior football final v Raheens President Putin was presented with a signed red jersey worn by captain Christy McGlynn on the day. It's reported although not verified that President Putin still wears the jersey to this day and has been using it as his pyjama top for the past thirty three years. While President Putin was thrilled that Edenderry won that day and ended a twenty eight year drought he was saddened that his favourite player Freddie Grehan had retired and missed out on a county medal.

Speaking to the Edenderry Topic back in September '85 from his then home in Dresden, East Germany where he worked undercover for the KGB as a translator Mr Putin stated "I was delighted they won. Paul O'Kelly had them well drilled which I like, very disciplined which I also like. I was just saddened that Freddie, or 'Flying Freddie' as I called him, missed out. If I had of being Chairman that year I would have made sure he played. I would have changed the rules so that only over 32's could play and that you had to be under 5'6. These are not drastic measures, everything can be changed to suit" he said. Of course Mr Putin proved in 2011 that it is in fact possible to change something to suit yourself when having already served the maximum two terms as Russian President, he altered the rules to allow himself to run again and is currently serving his fourth term in office.

Our news correspondent in Copenhagen, Denmark reached out for comment to the club sponsor Rationel Windows and Doors and a spokesman for the company said "We believe they are PROBABLY the best jersey's we've ever seen".

espite the criticism coming from the former Soviet Union bloc there has been plenty of positive reaction both home and abroad to the new jersey with President Trump tweeting with a thumbs up emoji alongside a picture of him wearing the number 14 jersey.

When questioned over the alleged comments made in the Kremlin on Thursday club secretary Colm Cummins, whose father hails from Carbury, said he had only two things to say on the matter.

"One, I'm surprised by these comments from my friend Mr Putin if they're true as he and I have enjoyed a similar rise to power and point number two, Come on the flour bags" Mr Cummins said while eating a slice of Brady's family ham.