Shane Lowry goes CRAZY in Edenderry...... GAA!

Post date: May 11, 2018 12:45:21 PM

BREAKING NEWS..............

By Niveked

In a world exclusive we can reveal that Offaly native Shane Lowry is taking his first venture into Golf course design as he teams up with Edenderry GAA to design a crazy golf course in the training area behind the main goals.

The move came about when Lowry reportedly expressed an interest on ESPN last week in designing a crazy golf course and Edenderry GAA club secretary Colm Cummins smelled dollar bills right way, phoning the Clara man just minutes later.

"It could be a great source of revenue" Mr Cummins told the Executive Committee on Thursday night. "We need money and I love revenue. Mo money Mo money Mo money" he said while grinning like a Cheshire cat.

Mr Lowry expressed his excitement at the prospect of undertaking such a project and is expected to hire local architect and Edenderry footballer John 'Gooch' Gorman to draw the plans.

"I can't f**king wait" Lowry told our reporter. "I feel privileged to be working on the f**king hallowed turf of Edenderry GAA. Me Da told me all about it. He said it's the best f**king pitch in Ireland although Greg Blong used to beat the ribs off him during games, the dirty f**ker" Lowry said.

"I hope this interview isn't on f**king US TV or it'll have cost me $25,000" said the loaded Offaly native who has been warned in the past by the PGA about his foul language.

Head groundsman Pat 'Ago' Cullen expressed concern at the proposal and warned the golfers to "stay off the jasus pitch you'll ruin the feckin thing & I only after mowing it" but club Chairman Willie Forde eased the concerns of the grounds staff by assuring them that if any ball does in fact leave the golf course and enter 'Ago's hallowed turf' that it will be confiscated immediately and sold back to the golf course owners at a tidy profit.

While Mr Cullen loves the GAA pitches more than anything it's speculated that he will in fact give his seal of approval to build the crazy golf course as he is a former scratch golfer himself and only retired from the sport after suffering a career ending injury in college. It's rumoured he has styled himself over the years on former players such as Greg Norman and Seve Ballesteros.

Mr Lowry is expected to invite a host of world famous golfers to the opening extravaganza for an exhibition game including the likes of Jack Nicklaus, Tiger Woods, Jordan Spieth, Rory McIlroy and Phil Mickelson to name but a few.

We phoned Mr Woods to find out if he was excited about playing the course given his long association and support of Edenderry GAA.

Telephone conversation as follows:

Tiger: Hello?

Niveked: Hi Tiger how's things?

T: Good man, long time no chat. How's life in 'Da town'

N: All good now and yourself, how's the gammy back holding up?

T: Getting there man yea getting there. I see we won the first two rounds of senior championship.

N: Yea two good wins,tough games though.

T: Hey bud, I meant to ask who the hell designed those new white jerseys? Bit to much like a flour bag for my liking.

N: Not sure, think the club just wanted something different this year. Anyway, just wondering how you're fixed to play in this crazy golf exhibition?

T: What exhibition is that? I never heard anything.

N: Eh, Shane Lowry said you're gonna be playing in it here in Edenderry.

T: Shane who? Never heard of him. Is he anything to Brenny Lowry?

N: Yes his son. He's a pro golfer like yourself.

T: Jasus, never heard of him. Brenny was some man to kick points back in the day though. I was watching the DVD of the '82 final the other night. Gerry Carroll was a great athlete too wasn't he? Jasus we sickened them Kerry c***s. Anyway yeah I'll play if it helps out the reds anyway. No worries man.

Tiger Woods has been an avid GAA supporter since the early 80's when his father Earl brought him to visit the town of Edenderry in August 1980. Earl was a huge fan of the 'Copper Beech' pub in the 70's and loved nothing more than to attend Wolfe Tonne concerts as well as seen local acts such as 'Joe Dolan', 'The Fairway's' and 'Sean Norman'. It's believed he brought his son Tiger on holiday with him in August 1980 but was horrified to discover that Sean T Farrell had converted the front bar into offices.

(A young Tiger Woods practicing at Edenderry Golf club in 1980)

"Earl was devastated when he arrived in Edenderry and the 'Copper Beech' had been altered, changed forever. It was the ruination of the place as we knew and loved it. Earl hit the bottle pretty hard he was so upset. Some of the locals felt sorry for him so Brendan 'Locks' Kelly rustled up two tickets for the All-Ireland final football semi final for them instead. Sure they thought it was unreal. That's the day Tiger fell in love with Offaly even though Kerry won. He was mesmerized by the performance of Matt Connor and 'The Bronze' Gerry Carroll" our source told us.

Speaking to the Edenderry Topic back in 2002 on the twentieth anniversary of the historic victory over Kerry Tiger Woods said "Oh man, Gosh, I mean, I can't believe it's been twenty years. I can still remember wearing my crepe papered tri-coloured hat that day. I was on the Hill with me aul lad when Darby lobbed Charlie Nelligan. Anyone would think Offaly were winning the way they were diddling and daddling but then they sent a high lobbing dropping ball and a GOAL, a GOAL for Offaly, there was a goal in the game! It was a great finish with his left foot to be fair. The only person I ever seen with a better left boot was 'The Bronze' himself. Gerry gave Paidi O'Sé some roasting that day".

('The Bronze' Gerry Carroll (left) was Tiger Woods favourite player)

Mr Woods met with Edenderry club officials at the turn of the year as he was keen to sponsor his beloved Reds but due to Mr Woods well publicised past 'issues', the Edenderry clubs image conscious Chairman Mr Willie Forde felt that the bid from 'Rationel Windows & Doors' would prove a safer option. It's also believed Mr Woods, who is notoriously stingy with his millions, was completely under par with his miserly offer whereas 'Rationel Windows & Doors' scored an ace with their offer.

Shane Lowry is currently in Sawgrass, Florida getting ready for the players championship and is said to be keen to design a course as good as that one in Edenderry's training area, terming it 'The Sawgrass of Crazy Golf'.

It is believed the opening day exhibition will include some fantastic prizes with 1st place being awarded membership to 'Club Red 300' while 2nd place will receive a number 6 Edenderry jersey signed by the legendary Finbarr Cullen. In an ironic twist, last place will also receive a demeaning 'booby prize' which is believed to be a week long tour of County Kildare.

One potential stumbling block to the project is Lowry's insistence on naming rights to the Crazy Golf course. Reports indicate that the Clara native is desperate to name the course 'Crazy Clara Golf Course' but this has not sat well with some prominent members of Edenderry GAA.

"Clara? Whaaaaa??? Come out" stated senior football manager Peter Brady.

(Edenderry manager Peter Brady plays off 5)

We took to the streets of both Clara and Edenderry to gauge the views of the locals. There was mixed opinions.

"I'm not a fan of this proposal. It has taken a huge amount of effort to make sure everything was kept this side of Tullamore and Shane risks undermining all this by helping out North Offaly" former Taoiseach Brian Cowen, who hails from Clara, reportedly said. A spokesman for the Edenderry town councillors has said they fully support Brian's stance even if it is to the detriment of our own town.

"We back Brian 100% regardless. He has threatened to narrow our main street even further if we go against his wishes" one source at the Town Hall confirmed.

"Personally I think it would be better to have this crazy golf course in Clara" said former Edenderry club secretary Gay Rickard whose sentiments were echoed by former Edenderry Bord Na Óg Chairman Noel Brady.

Local superstar golfer Johnny Brady has refused point blank to ever use the new layout declaring "I will in my swiss roll play on it"

(Johnny Brady (right) has no intention of using the facility)

Veteran golfers from Edenderry Paul Cox and Michael Bryan were much more enthusiastic and feel it will really help benefit their short game in the long run.

"I've been looking for a reason to go for more pints in Byrnes and what better excuse than after a game of crazy golf" stated Mr Cox while Mr Byran told us "I've had to start wearing sandals to play golf so this will really help bring my game to the next level".

Michael Byran spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff)

There is said to be huge excitement among the some of the adult footballers such as Jamie Dolan, Ciaran Farrell, Colm Byrne and Sean Pender who all fancy themselves as the next Shane Lowry. Mr Dolan, who plays off 7, says he's relishing the prospect of taking on the best golfers in the world.

"Playing in Edenderry Golf club is almost boring to me now at this stage, I just win everything. I love a good challenge" Mr Dolan told our news desk.

(Jamie Dolan (left) shows a clearly disinterested Adam Mahon how to play golf)

However, his teammate Ciaran 'Gazza' Farrell is said to be wetting himself with excitement as he gets ready to tee off alongside his idol Rory McIlroy. Farrell, who is a below average golfer to be fair, has followed McIlroy's career intently to date and is saying the Novena every Tuesday night in the hopes that his mother will let him play on the big day.

A source (Alex Kenny) close to 'Gazza' confirmed that his mother Mag had plans to take him to the zoo that day after finishing his college exams in Waterford. Senior football captain Colm Byrne is also believed to be very keen to play so long as it doesn't cost anything. "Is there an entrance fee"? he replied when asked if he planned to enter the tournament.

LEFT: (Ciaran Farrell is desperate to play crazy golf with Rory McIlroy & RIGHT: Colm Byrne & Sean Pender are big fans of the 19th hole)

Junior C football manager Peadar O'Neill explained to our staff that he won't be entering the tournament as there's 'No feckin doubt about it sure Rodge will win that. He's the best at everything in Ireland" Mr O'Neill declared.

Rodge is regarded as the best golfer in Ireland by Peadar O'Neill

Meanwhile, as plans press ahead to build the state of the art crazy golf course it is believed that the local meat factory will lodge an objection with Offaly county council.

"There is widespread panic among the staff and owners here at Rosdera" said employee Jordan Hayes. "We're all terrified a stray ball will hit one of our lovely pigs. Sure a belt of one of them could kill or maim them for life" he added.

Jordan Hayes, Edenderry footballer & Rosdera employee)

Rosdera have been a terrific neighbour of Edenderry GAA for many years but tensions have been simmering between the security guard and the senior football team as a result of Gary Blong's continuous BALLOONING of footballs into Rodera's yard while practicing shooting.