'One week in May': Episode 5 - Series finale

Post date: May 25, 2018 12:2:45 PM

Episode 5 - 'The Trip'

The Airport was alive with excitement as the 25 hand-picked players arrived to check in. The Colonel, as David now insisted on being called, was waiting to greet each player individually and shake their hands. “It’s all going perfectly” he whispered to each one, “we’re home and dry, nobody can stop us now” he confidently declared. Each player made it through check in successfully and were ushered by The Colonel to a private bar room set aside for the Kiev bound sportsmen from the past and present.

The Colonel called for silence and then, issued the rallying cry. “NOW!! ALL TOGETHER” he shouted. Like a badly choreographed dance on Britain’s Got Talent the 25 GAA stars removed their jackets to each reveal a crisp, sparkling new 2018 Liverpool Jersey. Huge cheers of elation rang out and instantly the first wistful notes of “You’ll Never Walk Alone” wafted through the halls of Terminal 2.

The men danced and cheered and congratulated each other, “we did it”, “I can’t believe it”, “Jaysus we made some dopes out of those United fans” were just some of the phrases being bandied around. “Right lads, settle down again” The Colonel demanded. “Now, we have about an hour here before the flight so ye better get a few pints into you, sure 'tis not gonna drink ITSELF!!!!” The Colonel voice rose to a crescendo as the cheers of appreciation from his adoring hand-picked Liverpool supporting friends echoed through the halls of Dublin Airport.

Across Dublin City, club secretary Colm Cummins was climbing the stairs of the holy shrine that is Croke Park. He was there on a mission. He normally felt part of the furniture in these hallowed halls but today he felt a tinge of nervous tension as he neared the office of the President of the GAA, John Horan. He knocked tentatively on the door and on hearing no reply he turned the handle and slowly proceeded inside. The President sat in his huge plush chair with his back to the tense Edenderry GAA official. Colm forced a polite sounding cough from his throat and suddenly the impressive chair swiveled to reveal the President, eating a bag of Cheese & Onion Tayto's.

“Who are you” he spat, “How did you get in here?...Security!! Security!!!” he screamed. “An Uachtarain” began Colm, “Ta ana athas ar fad agamsa” he continued carefully before being halted, “What the hell are you on about?” said the head of the GAA, “Are you one of those foreign tourist? Did you get separated from your tour group? Do you speak-a da English?” he queried in a condescending voice.

(President Horan mistook Colm for a tourist from Kildare)

“No, No Mr President” countered Colm. “It’s me, Colm Cummins, the rising Offaly star within our great organisation” explained the current Secretary and sometimes Chairman of Edenderry GAA. “Never heard of you” Mr Horan snapped “What do you want? Can’t you see I’m eating my lunch here?” he grumpily continued. This was Colm’s cue. “Mr President” he began, “We in Edenderry are honoured to be chosen by you as the standard bearers of our great games in the outer reaches of Eastern Europe, but I feel it would be only proper if you yourself were available today to accompany me to the airport to wish our plucky 25 GAA stars well in their eastern adventure. If nothing else it would be a great photo opportunity for me……..eh sorry I meant you, as the new President to show you are a man of vision and energy”. Colm took a breath and waited, he hoped his beautifully crafted speech would do the trick with the GAA’s head man. It had worked on everyone else over the last 13 years since the bloodless coup of 2005 when he seized power so he felt a tinge of confidence as he waited for the much anticipated reply.

(Colm can smooze anyone with his big words and five year plans)

“What the feck are you on about?” laughed the 39^th President of the GAA, “Get out before I have you thrown out” he said. “But Your Holiness, the trip to the Ukraine, these players leave today, they need your support”, cried Colm. The President was becoming more irate, “LOOK! I don’t know what you are on about, we haven’t sanctioned any feckin trip to the Ukraine, sure that doesn’t make a bit of sense, we barely sanction the All-Star trip these days let alone sending a bunch of jaysus idiots to the Ukraine, you’ve been conned my good man, now GET OUT out of my plush office!”. Colm stood open mouthed, “Mr President, the e-mails you sent to our Vice Chairman David Farrell, it clearly states it came from your office” pleaded Colm as he handed over a copy to the current GAA top dog. President John Horan looked at the piece of paper and almost instantly handed it back to the Edenderry delegate.

(A copy of the letter Vice Chairman David Farrell showed to the Executive committee)

“This is clearly a forgery, you’ve been had” laughed the Top Dog. “They don’t call ye BIFFO’s for nothing!” he chuckled as he slammed the large walnut door in the face of the Edenderry and some-time Kildare supporting Secretary.

(The Dublin based media's depiction of a BIFFO)

Colm Cummins stood momentarily frozen in time, the blood drained from his face, his mind began to re-count the whole affair to this point, his eyes flickered with a sudden realisation…FARRELL!!! he screamed! BY JAYSUS THERE’LL BE WAR OVER THIS” and he turned and sprinted down the hallowed halls of Croke Park.

“Shussh boys, shut up ta f**k for a minute” Colonel David Farrell shouted. The room assumed and instant silence as everyone listened to the announcement. “Flight AB770088 to Kiev will be boarding in 15 Minutes, can all passengers please make their way to Gate 5”. “Right Lads that’s us, let’s go, single file like we planned it, oldest first, that’s you Freddie, off you go, lead us out…………….C’Mon the reds !! shouted David, as he watched the hand-picked players of various generations file out from the plush private lounge and make their way to their rendezvous with the Champions League Final in Kiev. David turned to take one last look at the room and noticed there were a few sandwiches left on the table closest to him. He stuffed the last of the ham & cheese sandwiches into his mouth and turned to follow his fellow Liverpool fans. Suddenly the door was filled with a dark, menacing figure. David knew there could be only one man who created that imposing outline.

(Colm Cummins had arrived at Terminal 2)

“Sh**e!” David muttered. “How did you figure it out?” he wearily queried. “Let’s just say no-one does anything in my club that I don’t know about, I AM THE LAW!!! Screamed Club Secretary Colm Cummins at the top of his imposing and yet statesman like voice. “Now, where is the money?” demanded the tight fisted former Chairman. A shattered David Farrell handed over the cash filled black leather brief case to the wily Secretary. “Jaysus Colm, it was only a bit of craic” pleaded the soon to be ex Vice Chairman. Colm gave him a dismissive look, “We’ll discuss this at the next committee meeting on Thursday 31^st May at 8:30pm” Colm coldly announced. “Now get out of here and bring all your scouse loving friends with you, you’ve brought shame to our great club”.

Colm Cummins moved slowly out into the expansive hallway of Terminal 2. He stopped for a moment as his eyes were drawn to the view from the large windows to his left. He stood motionless watching the huge rumbling jumbo jets preparing for their flights to far away exotic places. He tightened his grip on the handle of the Samsonite black leather briefcase and mumbled, “Committee meeting Thursday night my a**e”!!

The doors to the Boeing 747 closed with a quiet finality, the chief Air Hostess made her way up the short flight of the stairs to the First-Class area of the jumbo jet bound for the USA. She walked to the most secluded and exclusive area of this most luxurious of airliners. The person who rang for attention sat in a huge swivel chair staring out the window of the soon to be distant Dublin Airport. “You rang” she enquired. The chair swirled around and occupant shouted at the top of his voice, “CHAMPAGNE, BRING ME CHAMPAGNE, AND LOTS OF IT!!”

The hostess was used to such behaviour from the rich and wealthy people she had dealt with in the past and kept her composure as she answered quietly, “Yes Sir, Mr Cummins, right away, Mr Secretary”. Colm Cummins watched the Air Hostess make her way down the flight of stairs that led to the main area of the plane. He was alone now and allowed himself a smug smile of satisfaction. His left hand ran across the smooth black leather of the brief case he had brought on board with him. He laughed out loud “best bit of hand luggage ever” he giggled. He turned again to look out at the grey bleak runway of Dublin Airport and as the giant air liner began to roll its way towards take-off he began to hum a tune, before long he was singing at the top of his voice…… ……………………”Viva Las Vegas, Viva Las Vegas, VIVA, VIVA LAS VEGAS!!!!!!!!!!

'One week in May' was co-written by two club members.

Starring:

Elvis Presley as Pat 'Ago Cullen/Himself (Ep 1-3)

Willie Forde as Chairman Willie Forde (Ep 1-2)

David Farrell as Colonel David Farrell (Ep 2-5)

Colm Cummins as Secretary Colm Cummins/Keyser Soze (Ep 3, Ep 5)

Mark Young as Himself (Ep 4)

Colm Byrne as Himself (Ep 4)

John Horan as President John Horan (Ep 5)

Panel of players - As themselves (Ep 4-5)