'One week in May': Episode 1

Post date: May 21, 2018 12:39:52 PM

(Pat 'Ago Cullen (left), if that is in fact his real name)

Episode 1 - 'The Set-Up'

Pat ‘Ago’ Cullen walked slowly across the open yard. He had just parked his 2018 BMW 7 series alongside the pavilion building. The sun was out, the birds were singing, it was a bright warm sunny May morning. “Could be worse I suppose” Ago thought to himself as he finished the last of his woodbine. It was Monday morning after all and everybody hates Mondays. His attention was momentarily drawn to the beautiful expanse of velvety green grass to his left. He stopped and stared for a few moments. “Jaysus, I have her immaculate” he whispered to himself. The brief moment of bliss was broken by the unmistakeable sound of a top of the range KIA Optima purring as it drove through the gates of the Edenderry GAA main pitch. Ago slowly turned around purely to check what he already guessed. “hmm, thought so” said Ago, “now what does this b*llox want?” Ago groaned. “can’t be good news anyway !” he added with resignation.

(The velvety surface at Edenderry GAA courtesy of Pat 'Ago Cullen)

The fabulous top of the range 2018 KIA Optima, acquired only a few weeks earlier in Lawton & Foley Motors, Dublin Road, Edenderry, effortlessly moved slowly alongside the much storied grounds man. Slowly the tinted passenger window was lowered and Pat Ago Cullen bent over and assumed the time honoured pose of an Irish man leaning in a car window. “Well Willie?” Pat opened up with. “Well Pat, how’s she cutting?” replied Willie Forde, one of the glorious leaders of the Edenderry GAA since the bloodless coup of 2005. “Cuttin !, Cuttin!” roared Ago, “aren’t I fecking forever cuttin’, sure I’m strangled on that Massey 135, mornin’ noon & night I’m jaysus’n cuttin !!”. Willie quickly stepped in, “I know, I know” replied the Chairman, “but sure look at it out there, you have her manicured to the last”. Ago instantly calmed down and prepared himself for whatever was coming next from the scheming Chairman.

(LEFT: Willie Forde's new Kia Optima which was sponsored by Lawton & Foley garage & RIGHT: The Chairman strikes yet another business deal)

“Did you hear the latest Pat?” Willie began, “No” Ago replied impatiently. “Well, we had a committee meeting last night, and you’re not gonna believe it but didn’t me Vice Chairman David Farrell only show us some e-mails he is after getting from UEFA and The President of the GAA himself enquiring would Edenderry be interested in playing in a curtain raiser before the Champions League Final on the 26^th May!”. Ago paused, confused for a moment, “What the f**k is the Champions League? Is that the 7-a-side tournament that’s on in Dublin every year?” Willie shook his head violently, ”No, Jaysus No!, this is being played in Kiev, in the Ukraine”. Ago’s eyes lit up, “Kiev!, as in chicken kievs?” enquired Ago, “hmmmmmm” he drooled, “I love chicken kievs, I had 2 for me tae last night, fecking delicious they were”. Willie was getting agitated by the grounds’ man’s fascination with chicken related cuisine. “look Pat, I’ll get straight to the point” the Chairman began. “The club can’t afford to send a team to Kiev at such short notice, sure you might as well be heading to Dingle or Donegal”, exaggerated Willie, “So we discussed it at the meeting and David has an idea for a fundraiser for the lads, he was telling us he met with a good few of the players already & they are all mad keen to go and showcase their wonderful skills to the Ukrainian people, it’d be a terrible shame to miss this chance”.

(Edenderry's Keyser Soze will reveal himself in Episode 5)

'Ago shuffled in his window leaning stance, moving his weight forward and edging further into the KIA Optima 2018, he instantly noticed the beautiful aroma of “new car smell”, it was similar to his own BMW sitting not 30 metres away in the GAA grounds, his senses were awash with this intoxicating smell mixed with the lingering thoughts of the delicious chicken kievs he had consumed the previous evening. He was sure the Chairman had to have noticed the faraway look in his eye, and, while he wasn’t sure, he may have even moaned in a low weird tone which he was sure would unsettle anyone let alone the Chairman of a highly successful GAA Club.

(Edenderry GAA could play in the curtain raiser Saturday night if they can get the required funds)

Ago quickly regained his normal composure, “Willie, I couldn’t give a sh**e about some 7 a side tournament in the arse-hole of nowhere, I have grass to cut, now what in the jaysus do you want with me ?” bellowed the genius but impatient grounds man.

(Ago Cullen's pride & joy, the Massey 135)

Willie Forde, Chairman of Edenderry GAA, took a deep intake of breath. This was the moment his whole tenure in power had been leading up to, he had to choose the right words and he had to choose them quickly. He had been handed the difficult task of convincing this man, not only to help the club fund the trip to Kiev, but in doing so he would have to agree to reveal his true identity!

To Be Continued…………

Can Willie convince 'Ago to finally reveal his true identity?

Will the reds make it to Kiev in time?

Is there something more sinister afoot?

Tune in tomorrow for episode 2 !

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