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Ireland rugby team to perform 'Riverdance' as a direct challenge to 'Haka'

posted 17 Oct 2019, 04:31 by Edenderry GAA   [ updated 27 Aug 2020, 15:11 ]
By Niveked........

We can exclusively reveal that Ireland rugby big wigs have secretly flown Edenderry GAA head groundsman and horticulturist specialist Pat 'Ago' Cullen to Tokyo ahead the huge World Cup quarter final showdown with New Zealand.

Mr Cullen (87), who is an All-Ireland champion at many forms of modern dance, has been drafted into the setup in order to teach the squad how to perform the 'Riverdance' as a direct challenge to the 'Haka'. The bold move came about after some strapping young chaps in Ballsbridge shared a heino on Sunday afternoon in Paddy Cullens pub.

Speaking exclusively to our reporter D4 resident Chad Pennyworth (39) stated the idea came about after one to many lagers.

"Oh yea for sure loike we had a couple of heino's, two to be precise, and I suppose we got a bit tipsy and started talking about the 'Haka'. Obviously this gives New Zealand a huge advantage and is probably worth 10 points before kick off. We decided we should come up with our own ridiculous ritual and presented it to Irish rugby chiefs on Monday morning. Daddy said it was a great idea".

Swirling some brandies during the four hour pointless discussion, Ireland rugby chiefs gave the go ahead to teach the players how to dance but only on the basis they were able to recruit former World and All-Ireland champion dancer, Pat 'Ago' Cullen.

"I'M IN... I don't mind going to Tokyo at all" Mr Cullen confirmed. "I've feck all grass to mow now anyway that they're building an astro turf pitch here on my hallowed ground. Can you believe that? Fecking astro turf, sure ya can't mow that it's a waste of time" Mr Cullen said.

('Ago was collected by chopper and flown to Tokyo) 

Mr Cullen, who turns 88 this November, is one of the most decorated dancers of all time and was the original founder of 'Riverdance' before Michael Flatley took his place at the 1994 Eurovision song contest following a horrific mowing related injury.

"I lost me fecking toe" Mr Cullen said. "I was out mowing the jasus pitch and I was in a world of my own just daydreaming of Jean Butler and our upcoming show when BANG, Willie Forde appeared out of nowhere and distracted me. Didn't the jasus mower go over me big toe and cut it off" the fleet footed former World champion dancer told us.

"I was sick. I was really looking forward to dancing with Jean Butler if you know what I mean but sure she wanted nothing to do with me once she heard I only had 9 toes".

Struck down in the prime of his dancing career Mr Cullen turned to horticulture and became the head groundsman at Edenderry GAA, a position he has held for twenty five years. He has worked closely with Willie Forde at the club, the man responsible for cutting off his toe, and the two have formed a lifetime bond.

This Saturday morning the Ireland rugby team will play New Zealand where they will hope to out dance the opposition as well as perform better 'box kicking' (translation: ballooning it up in the air), 'offloads', (Translation: throwing the ball) along with kicking the ball into the stand out of play and general rolling around the ground in scrums/rucks (Translation: the big hug).

Early indications suggest Rory Best, Tadgh Furlong and Cian Healy are the standout performers at the Riverdance with Pat Cullen confirming as much: "Rory Best dances a mean hornpipe but Healy and Furlong have twinkle toes".

(A ten toed Pat Cullen pictured with his All-Ireland trophy in 1984)
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