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Arlene Foster chomping at the bit ahead of Ulster final

posted 7 Jun 2018, 06:25 by Edenderry GAA   [ updated 27 Aug 2020, 14:48 ]
By Niveked............

DUP leader Arlene Foster is set to attend the 2018 Ulster final on June 24th when her native Fermanagh take on the winners of Donegal and Down according to reports in the 'Edenderry Topic' this week.

Foster tweeted her support for her native Erne county after Sunday's fantastic last gasp victory over Monaghan and a source at Edenderry GAA has confirmed that Foster contacted the club on Monday morning in the hope that they would give her two tickets for the Ulster final showpiece.

"Yes Arlene was on the blower first thing Monday morning looking for two tickets for the final. She's been a huge supporter of the reds for years so the club are looking into her request and hope to help her out in her time of need" Club registrar Angela Delaney confirmed by text. 

Mrs Foster, who is an exclusive member of 'Club Red 300' or 'Club Red 263.44' as it's known in Sterling, has long been a follower of Edenderry and it's believed she has modeled her political career on club secretary Colm Cummins.

"Arlene has never attended a London-Eden-Derry game or even met Colm Cummins but she's a regular reader of the club website and admires Mein Fuhrur's rise to power since the bloodless coup of 2005. She loves the passion and the 'No surrender' attitude of the club and the teams" a local in Enniskillen told us.

We reached out to the Northern Ireland First Minister for comment this morning and below is a transcript of the telephone conversation.

Reporter: "Hello Arlene, thanks for taking my call"
Arlene: "Aye, no problem aye. What can I do for you"?

Reporter: "Arlene, how did you become such a fan of Edenderry GAA"?
Arlene: "Address the club by it's proper name now or I won't continue. It's London-Eden-Derry. I love the red jersey to be honest, it reminds me so much of the Red Hand of Ulster. It's dead shapey and looks so good on guys like Stephen Guing, Sean Doyle and Gazza Farrell".

Reporter: "Thanks Arlene, do you plan to visit the club anytime soon"?
Arlene: "I'm due to visit Co Down towards the end of next week, I'd love to call in and meet Colm Cummins and the gang. Especially Pat 'Ago Cullen, he sounds like a real hoot and I've heard amazing things about the condition of the pitches in London-Eden-Derry".

Reporter: "Co Down? Sure we're in Offaly Arlene".
Arlene: -----------------------

Reporter: "Arlene? Are you there? Hello? Arlene?
Arlene: "Ah for jasus sake"!!!!! (Line went dead)

One player who will be hoping that Mrs Foster makes the trip to Edenderry is senior football captain Colm Byrne who has had a crush on the DUP leader for many years. Having clarified reports in April that he was NOT in fact in a relationship with Beyoncé, Mr Byrne is believed to have set his sights on the First Minister of Northern Ireland.

"Colm has a twinkle in his eye every time he sees Arlene. Since returning from injury he has been in the form of his life, scoring 1-1 in his last two games. "He even took to Twitter Tuesday night and dedicated his goal to Arlene. He also hopes she'll give him one of her free tickets to the Ulster final so he can sell it for a profit" Brian Quinlan confirmed.

Image result for ulster final tickets
(Colm Byrne loves anything free)

Upon hearing the news that Arlene Foster could visit the club next week head groundsman Pat 'Ago Cullen said she can visit all she likes but "she can stay off the jasus pitch she'll ruin the feckin thing & I'll be only after mowing it".

('Ago's pitches are looking sublime)